Bad Dad or Dad-In-Progress Part 1

"I want to get up!"

The morning started at 3:30am with Sean set to spin cycle between Emily and I on our bed. I'm not sure how long he had been there before I stirred, but this was not how I wanted to start my day.

The next 2 hours are a blur in my memory. I know I got Sean water, got into his bed with him, returned to my bed and then he returned to our bed. At some point spin cycle was launched again as his pointy elbows and knees rotated across my back and neck.

"I want to get up!" were his last words before the OK to Wake alarm clock lit up (An alarm clock we love). I roused myself out of bed as Seth descended from his bunk bed, arms full of his blankets. The boys managed to escape the room without waking Elena up - a small victory. However, the next ten minutes were an example of "how not to parent".

I would like to blame the following ten minutes of my ongoing COVID recovery - I am waking up congested, with a headache, and a deep sense that 3 more hours of sleep would do my body well. Yet I still struggle with this when healthy! I will bullet point the blunders.

• Sean and Seth both turn the bathroom light full blast, inflaming the headache

• I'm slow in finding Sean's underwear, leading to skirmish 1.0 with Seth - I'm curt

• Skirmish 2.0 with Seth (not sure why) - I'm impatient

• Skirmish 3.0 with dad (also not sure why) - I'm angry

• Snacks to the boys - Sean throws his across the room - more anger

• Sean into the kitchen for snack 2.0

• Sean wants snack 2.0 on my lap, but I don't. Silent scream

• Sean's on my lap; I thrust snack 2.0 close to his face

• With snack 2.0 consumed, a deep breath and temporary peace ensues

When there's peace and joy, it's wonderful!

With each bullet point, it seemed like my patience decreased and my anger increased. I was challenged this week by a colleague that "bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:2) is possible with humility and forgiveness. So I've been practicing forgiving (or attempting to forgive ) Sean for his recent poor sleep (NOT HIS FAULT; an ongoing side effect from COVID). Indeed I was praying this prayer while he was consuming snack 2.0 on my lap.

I don't want to wake up impatient and angry. I don't want my boys first experience of me in the morning to be irritated, frustrated and curt. I don't want them to feel like they're just in my way.

I want to create an environment where they can wake in safety, experiencing loving grace and kindness from their father. I want them to feel safe and cared for. I long for them to know that the truest thing about them is that they are loved by God.

And, the truest thing about me is that I'm loved by God. Even when I'm impatient, curt, angry, frustrated and hostile. I'm loved by God when I fail to reach the standards of parenting I hold myself to. I'm loved by God when I'm tired, sick, and unable to handle well the energy of two boys who wake up much faster than their dad.

I'm quickly tempted to put on the "bad dad" hat. The compassion of God reminds me that I'm a dad in progress.

This is part one, because I know this will not be the last time I need to own this gift of grace.