Punched in the Face - Dad in Progress 2

I don't think Sean meant to do it. Yet, even when you don't mean to punch someone in the face, it still hurts.

The morning was going really well. Sean slept well, the boys were getting along as they watched their shows and breakfast was relatively uneventful. I was able to successfully navigate a poopy morning diaper without incident and the boys were drawing peacefully as I started to get ready for a morning run.

Seth was drawing a dragon when the first signs of danger erupted. Sean pushed his paper off of the table and threw his pencil in the air. He too wanted to draw a dragon like Seth, but was frustrated with his attempt to create something up to the standard in his mind. He moved to thrashing on the ground as I attempted to understand and console him. I thought we were making progress when he threw two punches - one connected harmlessly with my arm, while the second flail connected on my lip.

We were both shocked. I grabbed my face and Sean pulled away and immediately apologized. He didn't mean to do it and it felt like he might have cut my lip (he didn't).

All the while, Seth continued to work on his dragon while Elena worked on climbing on the table. No one ever told me that kids wouldn't wait until the other was done pushing the limits to push their own limits!

This incident stood out to me for two reasons this morning. One was momentary and the other is inviting me into much deeper reflection.

I was pleased with how I moved forward from the incident. I told Sean I couldn't let him hit me and I needed some space, so I left the living room. This allowed me to catch my breath, settle my breathing and check the damages. It was devastating for Sean because he really wanted connection. I was able to eventually get them both ready for a run in the cold and get out the door. Sean fell asleep and got a needed morning nap before engaging with the rest of the day.

Sean was much happier after his nap!

The main reason this moment is sticking out with me is the fact that Sean didn't mean do it. He didn't want to hurt me. I don't even think he really wanted to hit me. He was simply feeling things really strongly and didn't know how to express those feelings. He started flailing and unluckily connected with my lip. This all started because he couldn't draw something he wanted to. There was a desired end he didn't have the means to meet.

How often is this me?

• I want to run, but my hamstring is injured.

• I want to connect meaningfully with Em, but we're both too exhausted.

• I want to innovate at work, but make leadership decisions that hamper creativity.

• I want to parent with compassion, kindness, and humility, but end up starting with anger and frustration.

While I don't physically flail and hit, I suspect a similar internal process is happening for me that happens for Sean. This world is not the way I want it and the way I want it seems to be impossible to create or manufacture. Yet, when I don't slow down to pause, reflect, and pray, I continue this inward flailing that's unhealthy for me and potentially harmful for those around me.

What can I do to break this cycle?

How I handled Sean this morning is a starting point - catch my breath, settle my breathing, and check the damages. When I slow down, take a couple of deep breaths, and see what's going on internally I am able to see what I need to move forward. Sometime it doesn't take much, but breaking the cycle is important.

However, on a deeper level, my life with God is a foundation that can provide the support in moments when I'm flailing. Knowing that the truest thing about me is that I'm loved by God changes the internal dynamic. Like Sean, my internal eruptions are often a sign that I'm looking for connection. God knows everything about me and God loves me with this knowledge? This is game-changing.

What I'm working on is seeking to ground myself in this foundation when the internal chaos is raging. I am definitely still a dad in progress.