Tim said/Em said - Running after Seth's birth
- Emily Craig
- Feb 27, 2022
- 3 min read
When Tim and I are in a place of relational health, we can look back at past problems with insight and humor. So, we thought a segment of “Tim said/Em said” might be a fun endeavor. Here’s a little context for this edition:
August 2015
I had just given birth to Seth. Six hours of rapid, unmedicated labor—intense pain as I’d never felt before, feeling completely out of control, and not knowing when it would be over—led to the most beautiful moment in the world, finally holding Seth Ryan Craig in my arms. I was floating on an enormous high, even though I fainted shortly after arriving on the postpartum floor (no pun intended).
Our insurance did not cover private rooms at the hospital, which ranged from $550-$850/night. Yes, you read that correctly. Two nights, which was a standard stay at the time, would have cost just about as much as our apartment’s monthly rent. Needless to say, we opted for a shared room during the postpartum stay. While we were happy to save money, spouses were not allowed to stay overnight in a shared room. After an athletic birth, I was emotionally high, but physically very tired. Tim and my family brought me dinner and then we prepared to say goodnight and goodbye. We also wanted to talk through plans for the next day. So, here is how it went:
Tim said:
“Em, I really want to go running tomorrow before I come see you.”
Em said:
“Okay.”
It seems straight-forward until you get into my actual train of thought. It went a little something like this:
“Are you freaking kidding me? I just gave birth to your child, passed out, am learning how to feed our child with my body, will likely be up throughout the night with this precious little one, and you want to go running before coming to see me in the morning?!”
But, he heard, “okay.”
Because that’s what I said.
And so Tim ran.
And I heard, “Running is more important to me than Seth and you.”
Tim was right to hear that I said it was okay to run because that’s what I said. Even if I said it with a certain tone, it was not his responsibility to interpret what I said. I was responsible for saying what I meant. I was not honest or fair with him because I said okay in one breath, but then held his running against him in another.
And it was not fair for me to assume that Tim valued running more than our family. Assumptions are always dangerous in any relationship. We have learned, though slowly and definitely not perfectly, as evidenced here, to check our assumptions with each other. Had I asked him if that was what he meant by wanting to run, I know his answer would have been no. And I know that if I had asked him not to run, he would have honored that request.
But it’s easier for me to play the victim sometimes. It’s more convenient for me to say, “Look at how I am sacrificing and everything I am doing!” instead of saying “I’m actually feeling upset with myself for being dishonest with Tim and then blaming him for my anger.”
As a people pleaser by nature, it is hard for me to say what I need. Even beyond that, sometimes it’s hard for me to even know what I need and want. I have 30+ years of thinking about what I want in relation to what others around me might want. I think this is one of God’s greatest invitations to me for growth in marriage. I am beginning to feel more comfortable telling Tim that I don’t think it would be wise for him to do a race, or that preaching at a church might not be a good time for our family during a particularly busy season. This always feels wrong for me, but Tim has been so gracious and affirming every time I have said no to one of his requests. Sometimes he even smiles when I say no because he knows how hard it is for me to do. I am blessed to have his love and support as I grow in this way.
We hope you enjoyed this week’s peek into our marriage! It’s not always pretty, but the enduring love that drives us to work on our areas of struggle is what makes it beautiful!
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