"You're the Stupidest Daddy in the World!" DIP 7

According to Sean, Emily and I have achieved a significant low - "the stupidest mommy/daddy in the world!" I know it's impressive that the two most stupid people live in the same home, but Emily and I strive for excellence in all we do.

Hard to believe such word would come from his mouth, but don't try and take his chocolate bunny!

A conversation with Sean might go something like this.

"Sean, it's time to get in our chair for dinner."

Sean's face scrunches as he prepares his counter, "No, you're the stupidest daddy in the world!"

In the past, I would quickly get angry (simply from a rational standpoint, there has to be at least one other daddy stupider than me!) and say bark something to the extent of, "YOU DO NOT TALK TO YOUR FATHER THAT WAY (as I'm talking to him in a tone I chastise him for). APOLOGIZE TO ME NOW."

As you can imagine, this approach was incredibly helpful to no one. It only functioned to enrage Sean more and we would spiral terribly downwards towards anger and yelling. It wasn't good for me, wasn't good for Sean, and created a chaotic environment any time Sean went down this direction. Another classic instigator of the spiral would be the "I hate you daddy!"

However, through some reading and listening (likely Whole Brain Child and Unruffled Podcast, distilled through my amazing wife Emily aka the stupidest mommy in the world) I learned that Sean was simply expressing emotion. Even though I was offended, this was not a rationally thought out statement about the shallowness of my intelligence (I hear that trait develops later in life). Sean was just upset about any number of things, and expressed that frustration towards the easiest target - The stupidest daddy!

It's to the point now where I often giggle a little bit when he says it before trying to draw near and empathize with his big little person feelings. The conversation now goes something like this:

"Sean, it's time to put away your toys." Spoken calmly and with confidence (at least I imagine it that way).

The face scrunch returns, "No, I don't want to. You're the stupidest daddy in the world!"

Stifled chuckle.

"Wow Sean, it sounds like you have big feelings about this." My hand is now firmly on his shoulder and I'm attempting to make eye contact. "Are you feeling upset about having to stop playing with your toys?"

Depending on his level of fatigue and energy for conflict, he will either push back some more, or melt into my arms confirming his disappointment/anger/frustration.

I much prefer this to the terrible spiral downwards. I am grateful for the numerous times I've seen Emily model this successfully as I've attempted to implement the same posture in my own parenting.

Sean! You are a tremendous gift in so many ways.

This also makes me wonder, how often do I do something similar in my own life - taking disappointment/anger in one area of my life and projecting it towards others? Now, in case you're concerned, I've never called Emily "the stupidest wife in the world," but I know I've directed frustration towards her that had nothing to do with her. I'm sorry Em!

However, knowing this information doesn't guarantee transformed behavior in the moment. I still am tempted towards anger, impatience, and sharp words when Sean insults me. Yet, knowledge with practice and support from Em continues to make our home a safer, warmer place for our kids, which is always a good thing. Not bad for the stupidest daddy in the world!